Five Reasons Why Archie Will Not Marry Veronica
So are you buying all the buzz that perennial bachelor Archie Andrews will actually tie the knot with Veronica Lodge? Sure, the evidence looks incriminating. Archie #600 shows Archie down on one knee, putting a ring on the finger of Veronica, while a surprised Jughead and a weeping Betty look on from outside the window.
However, looks can be deceiving. We have confidence that Archie will not give up the sweet life of bachelorhood. Jughead Jones would sooner give up hamburgers and become a vegetarian than Archie Andrews would walk down the aisle. Here are our top five reasons why the Archie Andrews and Veronica Lodge wedding will not actually happen.
5. Archie has become a polygamist. The reason Betty is crying at the window is not because Archie chose Veronica over her. It’s because Archie chose Veronica in addition to her. Unbeknownst to Veronica, Archie proposed to Betty fifteen minutes earlier, and Archie plans for Veronica to merely be the second of his many wives. It’s a plan that will not sit well with Veronica.
4. It’s not a real ring. See the strange look on Jughead’s face. It’s because Archie just swiped his ring pop. What Veronica thinks is the hugest diamond she’s ever seen is really just a sucker. When Jughead comes crashing through the glass window and starts licking Veronica’s hand like a hungry dog, then she will kick Archie to the curb faster than you can say “cheap deadbeat.”
3. Mr. Lodge goes bankrupt. Veronica’s dad, Hiram Lodge, might be the richest man in Riverdale, but even the rich are suffering in this economy. After hearing his daughter’s plans to throw the most luxurious wedding in history, Mr. Lodge checks his finances and realizes that he has gone bankrupt. When daddy dearest tells darling Veronica that all he can afford is a backyard wedding catered by Pop Tate’s Chok’lit Shoppe, she hits the roof. Anything less than the wedding of the century simply won’t do for Veronica, and she calls the whole thing off.
2. It’s not really Archie. So you think that’s really Archie Andrews down on his knee in front of Veronica? What? Haven’t you been reading comic books for the last twenty years? Whenever a comic book character does something really stupid and winds up getting himself killed off or married, then it always turns out to be an evil clone or twin. Archie continuity buffs might remember the classic Archie Meets The Punisher, which involved a drug dealer named Red that bore a striking resemblance to Archie. Archie fans might also remember that The Punisher did not kill Red as one would expect. Recently released from prison on a technicality, Red has decided to masquerade as Archie in order to marry Veronica and steal her riches. Archie fans shouldn’t worry though, because when The Punisher gets winds of Red’s plot, he will return and put a bullet in Red like he should have done the first time. A grateful Veronica, not wanting to waste a beautiful wedding ceremony, will marry The Punisher instead. The real Archie, who has been tied up in a closet the entire time, will be heartbroken, but even Archie has enough sense not to mess with Frank Castle’s woman.
1. The Archie publishers aren’t idiots. Yes, the number one reason that Archie Andrews will not marry Veronica Lodge is because the Archie Comics publishers aren’t idiots. It might be a good ploy to sell a whole bunch of comic books by pretending that Archie is getting married, but if Archie actually got married it would destroy the central plotline around which the entire Archie Comics industry is built. Archie getting married would be like killing off Bruce Wayne as Batman or Steve Rogers as Captain America. Something just too stupid for any comic book publishers in their right minds to actually do. Whether Archie Andrews has to cut a deal with the devil or go back in time and blow up a nuclear bomb so the proposal never happens, Archie Andrews will always remain a bachelor.
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Five Reasons Why Archie Will Not Marry Veronica : Comicbook.com Blog…
Comicbook.com’s Scott Johnson lays out five reasons why Archie won’t marry Veronica….