Dana Schwartz, a prolific tweeter and best-selling author with a keen sense of how to best grab an audience's attention, took to Twitter over the weekend and shared her breakdown of why Belle was wrong to reject Gaston in Disney's Beauty and the Beast...and it has people talking, as you might expect.
Schwartz, a correspondent for Entertainment Weekly who recently staged a budoir photo shoot in support of her book Choose Your Own Disaster (read it, it's great), laid out 16 Power Point slides that present a compelling argument for why Belle's life would have been better if she went with the handsome, rich egomaniac rather than the monster who lived in an isolated castle.
You can check out her thread here:
Okay, okay, here's the full powerpoint I made about why Belle should have chosen Gaston: pic.twitter.com/7co8yYKYFc— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) December 23, 2018
As you can see, a big part of what Schwartz is talking about isn't even actually just Gaston and the Beast, but also the realities of the world at the time of Belle's decision to marry a French prince (not to be confused with a Fresh Prince).
Within 25 years, Schwartz notes, the odds are pretty good that Beast will have become a target of public animosity during the French revolution.
This is one of those situations where Schwartz can twist some of the facts of both French history and the movie's narrative to suit her position, but can only do so because her position is so close to objective truth that it's funnier to make things seem more one-sided than they actually are for effect.
So you get points of contrast like Gaston "eats many eggs to stimulate the French economy," while the Prince "eats wasteful magical feasts while his citizens cannot pay for bread." Which...well...yeah.
But when you throw shipping, Disney and politics into a blender, surely nobody would have anything to say, right?
This is 100 percent, indisputably the correct take https://t.co/nZkgJ7qhie— Daniel Victor (@bydanielvictor) December 23, 2018
This guy (and by "This guy" we mean New York Times writer Daniel Victor) seems pretty sure about this.
It's understandable that Ratigan couldn't fit on this chart without introducing a log scale.— Dan "Yule Daddy" Olson (@FoldableHuman) December 23, 2018
Dan Olson from the popular Folding Ideas YouTube channel (you may remember him from the lengthy video he did about poor editing in Suicide Squad) had to go and bring math into it.
Feels very subjective. pic.twitter.com/CQtBXxB152— Daniel Weisenfeld (@DWeisenfeld) December 23, 2018
The Management Would Like To Apologize For This Joke.
Fair, but Gaston is only hot until you can smell him.
Five dozen eggs a day.
SIXTY EGGS EVERY DAY.— Richard Ford Burley (@schadenford) December 23, 2018
This thread about how Gaston likely smells after all those economy-lifting eggs is a funny and charming sidetrack amid a lot of arguing about where villains rate on the hot/crazy scale.
Animals love the Beast. Gaston would’ve shot them. Boo. pic.twitter.com/bCYB1WxXkE— Fleurde (@leighchaux) December 23, 2018
Again, this kind of runs counter to Schwartz listing Gaston's hunting prowess as a virtue in 18th Century France.
Your PowerPoint is completely incredible and gives even more support for a cause I have championed for ages. Gaston is the real protagonist of this story. Thank you so much for your hard work and dedication. ?— ?Austin Creed ? (@XavierWoodsPhD) December 23, 2018
It's good when people can find friends on the internet, no?
No one has a valid point like Gaston— heathen king (@heathen_king) December 23, 2018
This might be the only one that made us audibly laugh.
You need to turn these graphs into a book. In the name of #science— Devon Biere (@DevonBiere) December 23, 2018
This would be a strange follow-up to a humorous memoir about her dating life, but we could see it.
This is cherry picking nonsense!!! pic.twitter.com/TgoA6KEsb6— Zen Monkey Studios (@ZenMonkeyStudio) December 23, 2018
Of course, you aren't going to have a conversation like this without some detractors.
The Beast ultimately changes and is kind...Gaston is cruel. Beast likes her for who she is. Gaston sees her ideas as silly & her intelligence as a defect. He also tries to get her beloved dad kidnapped and committed.— The Magpie (@Indreni) December 23, 2018
You ignored all negatives to Gaston; arrogant, self-centred, all he's thinking is she'd look good next to him, and also "No one says no to Gaston" ... But Belle made the mistake of choosing someone who supported and enjoyed her interests, not her appearance?— belle ?? (@koala_baek) December 24, 2018
Would also be interested in reading your chernabog defense— Internet Person™⭐️ (@TimHerrera) December 23, 2018
Before she launched into the Powerpoint presentation, Schwartz originally shared a chart on which she graphed how compelling a villain's argument was, and how attractive she found them.
To the surprise of...well, a healthy chunk of her commenters...she gave a pretty solid score to Chernabog which led to a lot of people raising some eyebrows. In response to the tweet above, she gave a brief rundown of her logic there.