G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra Review: Simply Awful

I tried. I really did. Realizing that when a studio typically shuns pre-release reviews, the film will most likely be terrible, I checked my head at the door. After all, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra IS a summer movie. So I grabbed my drink, my popcorn, and watched some good previews. And then it got worse. From the opening sequence we have problems. We see Duke (Channing Tatum) and Ripcord (Marlon Wayans) as part of a military team on a mission to deliver some nano-tech warheads. The convoy gets intercepted by Ana/The Baroness (Sienna Miller) and her team of bad guys. Duke and Ripcord manage to survive the fight, but the Baroness gets the warheads. When Duke eventually catches up to the Baroness, she has a chance to kill him. But she doesn't. Even though we find out that the two used to be engaged. And she hates him. She's the baddest of the bad guys, but she lets him go? That's the beginning of her character's inconsistencies. The Joes arrive and rescue Duke and the warheads. Duke and Ripcord are trained to become G.I. Joes. Their mission is to track down the Baroness, but before they can do that, the Baroness and her team invade The Pit (Joe training center) and steal the warheads. The rest of the film, the Joes are chasing down the Baroness and her boss, McCullen. The Bad: Acting. Oh my. I don't think I've seen acting this bad since 'Batman and Robin.' Seriously. If Tatum doesn't win a Razzie for Worst Actor, I'll be shocked. This man has zero acting ability. Terrible, just terrible. Wayons isn't much better. Voice Overs. I suppose this could go in the acting category, but I think it deserves a special paragraph. The Doctor, who works for the bad guys, has a mask over part of his face, concealing his mouth. So everything is voice over. And it's not good. At all. There are an extreme number of voiceovers from all characters, as Director Stephen Sommers seems to like shooting people walking away from the camera. Each one sounds unprofessional--like they just took the first take and moved on to the next item to shoot, whether the take was good or not. Soundbites. "Yo, Joe!" REALLY? Did they have to do it? Fanboys were praying that Sommers would leave out the cheesy catchphrases from the 80s cartoon, but the director brought them anyway. And the lines weren't delivered well (see 'acting' above). Accelerator Suits. When the Joes initially put on the suits, which are designed to make them jump higher and run faster, I thought, 'these look pretty cool.' But as two Joes were chasing after a speeding car for a full five minutes, I couldn't help but think how ridiculous it was. Especially when the suits looked like mini-Transformers. Ending. The conclusion was just horrible. A complete knock-off of 'Star Wars', but without any of the feel. It just gave you the 'Are you kidding me? This is how they're going to do this?' reaction. It was incredibly stupid and corny. Now, that being said, it wasn't ALL bad. I did like the fight scenes between Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow, and The Pit/Joe Headquarters was pretty darn cool (like a much bigger Bond support building). Other than those two things, the movie just stunk. Don't waste your money on this one folks. D-