Netflix Top Movie Diary: Spy Kids: Armageddon

In all the time I’ve spent paying attention to the Netflix Top 10 lists, I can’t remember many scenarios in which a brand new Netflix original movie took over the number one spot after its release and surrendered it the very next day. Netflix original films tend to have more staying power atop the Netflix Top 10 Movies list than others. It makes sense, given that they’re brand new movies for people to watch at home and their streaming debuts are often the first chance anyone has to watch them. 

With that in mind, I was a bit shocked to see how quickly Spy Kids: Armageddon lost control of the Netflix Top 10. The fifth film in Robert Rodriguez’s Spy Kids franchise is the first made exclusively for Netflix. It’s inclusion in a franchise that people have a lot of nostalgia for, along with the fact that it’s a new movie geared toward families, made Armageddon feel like a title destined to make waves on Netflix for a while. That wasn’t the case.

Spy Kids: Armageddon took the number one spot on the Netflix Top 10 on Saturday, the first day after its worldwide premiere. Nothing about that was surprising. But Bert Kreischer’s action-comedy The Machine was a surprise-add to Netflix on Saturday, and it immediately took the top spot from Spy Kids. Even though it was only there for 24 hours, this project is about watching every movie that hits number one on Netflix’s daily charts, so I spent 90 minutes of my free time watching Spy Kids: Armageddon.

I really wish I hadn’t.

Spy Kids: Armageddon (2023)

Robert Rodriguez returned to the well of Spy Kids this year with Spy Kids: Armageddon, the first film in the franchise since 2011. This is also the first Spy Kids movie without the involvement of original stars Alexa PenaVega and Daryl Sabara. The Spy Kids films have never exactly been bastions of excellence, but Armageddon is about as bad as they come.

Spy Kids: Armageddon stars Zachary Levi and Gina Rodriguez as a duo of spy parents trying to keep their work lives hidden from their kids. The new pair of soon-to-be spy siblings are played by Connor Esterson and Everly Carganilla. This sequel’s story — which is honestly just a dull, modern rehash of the original Spy Kids plot — revolves around a new video game that the kids can’t wait to get their hands on. When they download the game without their parents knowing, they accidentally open the door for the game’s creator (Billy Magnussen) to steal a program called the Armageddon Code, which can unlock any electronic device on the planet. The idea for this “evil genius” is to lock everyone around the planet out of their devices, forcing them to beat his game in order to unlock them. He believes playing the game will…make everyone better people and ultimately fix the world’s problems?

It’s trying to say something about how different generations look at technology, while also telling kids that honesty matters more than anything else in the world. Neither are bad ideas to present in a family movie, but they’re so clumsy and forced that its big moments are more laughable than teachable.

Pass or Play?

Pass. Hard pass. One of the hardest passes of the year. It’s disappointing because I really love the original Spy Kids movie. I watched it just last week and it still holds up pretty well! Spy Kids: Armageddon is such a massive departure from the original that it’s surprising the same filmmaker wrote and directed both movies.

The original Spy Kids is campy and leans into its B-movie influences. Armageddon comes off as cutesy, and a forced cutesy at that. It trades in the interesting (if not sometimes creepy) visuals from the first movie for CGI that looks like it came straight from 2001. Levi and Rodriguez have absolutely no chemistry, a far cry from the perfect pairing of Antonio Banderas and Carla Gugino.

Perhaps the most frustrating part of Spy Kids: Armageddon is its seemingly desperate need to be of the moment. Rodriguez tries so hard to make a thoroughly modern movie about “kids today” that it feels more like the Steve Buscemi meme than any kind of valuable commentary. The original Spy Kids is timeless because it leaned into its own creativity and absurdity. Not every single thing they mention in that movie is still relevant today, but so much of it is removed from our normal, everyday timeline that it still works in a lot of different ways. 

Maybe some kids will have fun with this movie if they’re not paying too much attention, but a movie being “made for kids” should never be an excuse for poor quality. Our kids deserve good art, too. This ain’t it.

What to Watch Instead

There are much better family adventures out there, even if you don’t feel like leaving Netflix. Spy Kids promises plenty of excitement and a story that centers around family dynamics. There are two awesome animated films currently on Netflix that check both of those boxes in big ways: Puss in Boots: The Last Wish and The Mitchells vs. the Machines. Each of those films is endlessly exciting and offers an even playing field for both kids and parents. 

If for some reason you’re just really not in the mood for anything animated, Netflix is currently home to one of the best live-action family films in years. I’m talking about Paddington here. Paul King’s 2014 film about the iconic marmalade-loving bear has everything you need for a wonderful family movie night, and you’ll probably end up going back for a repeat viewing before too long.

While they’re not streaming on Netflix, the first three Spy Kids films are easily accessible right now. The trio of films are available on both Paramount+ and Pluto TV. Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World is currently streaming on Starz.

Thanks for reading the Netflix Top Movie Diary! You can follow along and check out all of the column’s previous entries here.