Batman and Catwoman’s nuptials were not meant to be in the pages of Batman #50, but now that questions concerning the makeup of this hypothetical have been raised, they’re difficult to stop thinking about. One of the most significant elements of a Bat-wedding party was addressed in the story “The Best Man,” taking place in Batman #48 and #49. The Joker, feeling he had been left out, confronted Batman in a church and asserted he ought to be the Dark Knight’s best man. While it’s unlikely that Batman would ever be receptive to his longtime foe’s argument, it does raise an interesting question: Who should Batman’s best man be?
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Writer Tom King has already made a decision as revealed in the Batman: Prelude to the Wedding collection of titles. However, that’s just one critically acclaimed and wildly popular writer’s opinion. We’re here to apply a carefully selected set of criteria and rigorous analysis to deliver a definitive answer as to who Batman’s true best man really is.
In order to provide you with a factual answer, we’ve outlined five key elements that every best man should possess (below) and used them to craft grades for all of the likeliest candidates. So click ahead to find out how Batman’s best friends and allies stack up in a competition for this essential decision.
Familiar: A best man should be familiar with the groom. They should have know the person for a significant period of time and have a good understanding of who they are in all aspects of their life. Normally, the position falls to a brother or best friend for this reason, but it’s far from the only criteria.
Responsible: A best man should be responsible and orderly, as they will be required to help make the wedding day run smoothly. Their responsibilities include, but aren’t limited to, caring for the bride’s wedding band, giving a toast, and taking care of the groom throughout the big day. It’s a lot of work.
Friendly: A best man can’t just focus on the groom. Being a big part of the wedding party means they’ll be interacting with almost every significant friend and family member in attendance. A good smile, sense of humor, and affable personality are essential for the role.
Cool-Headed: A best man is part of a very stressful day and must keep themselves and the groom calm. The ability to remain focused and roll with the punches is key for any best man, especially one who might be attacked by any number of supervillains during the wedding itself.
Trustworthy: Finally, a best man has to be trusted to care for all of these responsibilities and remain consistent with them throughout the wedding day. There can be no question about their ability to fill the role in order for the groom to focus on the most important thing in his day: the bride.
The Joker
This jerk has forced his way into the conversation, so we’ll address the matter: No way. The only criteria that The Joker meets is “familiar,” and even that element has been significantly overstated. The Joker might claim to understand Batman, but his actions in every encounter prove that he’s just projecting what he wants Batman to be onto the hero.
Grade: F
Tim Drake or Jason Todd
It’s worth addressing every major Robin in Batman’s life, but these two are the clear bottom of the pack. Jason doesn’t even try to exhibit many of the key criteria that make a great best man, while Tim just fails to live up to them. Neither are on great terms with Batman at the moment either, but Jason Todd at least won’t feel hurt when he finds out he didn’t get the job.
Grade: C
Damian Wayne
Damian gets a slight leg up on Jason and Tim, but only a slight one. He’s much more consistently capable than the other two and his familial connection to Batman makes him a slightly better pick. However, Damian is really too much of a hot head and it is a bit odd to have your own son stand in as your best man. Damian will have to settle for ring bearer.
Grade: C
Commissioner Gordon
Gordon has been one of Batman’s most reliable and steadfast allies throughout his entire career. It’s hard to fault him on any of the key best man criteria, with the important exception of familiarity. That Gordon doesn’t know Batman’s true identity, even if it’s for important reasons, excludes him from the role. Your best man isn’t someone you should be keeping secrets from, especially your name.
Grade: B-
Barbara Gordon
Just because the role is still called “the best man” doesn’t mean a woman can’t fill it. Barbara is one of Batman’s most reliable and longest-lasting allies, exceeding the careers of every Robin but one. However, she and Bruce don’t possess quite the same levels of trust and familiarity as some of the final contestants for the role.
Grade: B
Alfred Pennyworth
Alfred is tough to beat on any of the key criteria under normal circumstances. He has been Batman’s rock since before Batman even existed. No one knows Batman better than this man. Unfortunately, in a superhero wedding it is difficult for a civilian to remain cool-headed under attack by supervillains, much less help save the entire affair. Additionally, Alfred has his own role to play as the (surrogate) father of the groom.
Grade: B+
Dick Grayson
Describing the essential traits of a best man, it’s impossible to not think of Dick Grayson. He is one of the most loved characters in the DC superhero community, in addition to being a great leader and teammate. He only takes the smallest of knocks to elements like responsibility and cool-headedness as he continues to mature in his adult role as Nightwing, leaving only one better person for this role…
Grade: A-
Superman
There is no one more responsible, cool-headed, friendly, or trustworthy in all of DC Comics than Superman, and over the years he has become one of Batman’s dearest friends. If Batman is looking for a best man who can save his big day, then the best possible answer is unquestionably Superman. It’s a good thing that Superman will be Batman’s best man too, as it looks likely that Joker or someone else will try to crash the event. Seems like that Tom King fellow knows what he’s doing on Batman after all.
Grade: A
