Last year’s Star Wars: The Force Awakens saw the continued adventures of Han Solo, Leia Organa, Chewbacca, and even a hint of Luke Skywalker, and the film also signified a creative shift in the saga with George Lucas passing the keys to the kingdom to Kathleen Kennedy and her Star Wars Story Group. On December 16, the Star Wars universe expands with the quasi-prequel Rogue One: A Star Wars Story, highlighting characters that were spoken of but never seen in the first film. These aren’t the first instances of George Lucas allowing stories to be told with the creations who founded his legacy, and in 1978 a story was told that Lucas would spend 40 years trying to forget, and it was called “The Star Wars Holiday Special.”
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No one knew how big of a hit Star Wars would be, and everyone was looking for a way to cash in. With The Empire Strikes Back still two years away, CBS approached Lucas about doing a holiday show featuring the cast, and he provided them with a few suggestions and left them to their own devices. What resulted was a variety show full of musical numbers, animated sequences, “comedy” bits, and Wookiees talking in their own language to one another for long stretches of time. The special was poorly received by virtually everyone and was only broadcast once, but bootleg copies have floated around on VHS and now the internet for 40 years, and most likely no official release will ever happen.
In honor of this abomination existing, we’re giving you 12 days worth of reminders to highlight some of the craziest things that exist in The Star Wars Holiday Special. Make sure to keep checking back to see what made the cut! Happy Life Day!
Life Day Is For Cultists
Audiences can understand that the celebrations of Life Day can’t mirror anything in the real world too closely, with the films being set in a galaxy far, far away and all, but this celebration sure looks bizarre. Without any explanation, we know that Wookiees must wear special robes, carry crystal balls, walk into a portal of life that connects them with other celebrating Wookiees, and then a human must sing a song about love to the tune of the Star Wars theme. If that’s all if requires, sign me up for Life Day 2017! That is, if there is a Life Day next year, as it’s actually only celebrated every three years.
Chewbacca Stares Off Into Space, Remembers The Plot Of Star Wars
As if to apologize for all of the insanity of the preceding 90 minutes, the minds behind The Star Wars Holiday Special seemingly wanted to remind viewers, “Hey, this might have been bonkers, but remember how cool Star Wars was?” To get this across, the Life Day festivities conclude with Chewbacca staring off silently into space as we iris in on a montage of all of Chewie’s adventures in the film, from Mos Eisley to the Death Star destruction. Keep in mind, this special came out 18 months after the film’s release, so this wasn’t a marketing ploy to show an extended trailer, this was merely Chewbacca reliving plot points that made us fall in love with him. This tactic almost worked, but then it was followed the Chewbacca family sitting around a dinner table, possibly saying blessings, before the credits role. Oh well, at least we almost got to end the special on a good note.
C-3PO Hopes For Life
With the official Life Day festivities underway, a gathering of Wookiees come together and there’s a cacophony of roaring. One of the few things you can hear over all the roaring is C-3PO chatting with R2-D2, before he walks over to his friends and reveals how desperate both her and his pal are to be alive and have feelings. Although we obviously all know the droids aren’t real humans, this is one of the saddest moments ever seen in the Star Wars saga, as their desire to have feelings sounds like a desperate plea. However, doesn’t sadness about not having feelings count as having feelings? It’s quite the conundrum.
Elite Stormtroopers Foiled By Foliage
Remember when Stromtroopers first raided the Tantive IV in the opening scenes of Star Wars, cementing their visage as one of terror? Sure, they proved themselves to be fodder over the course of the rest of the movie, but for the most part, Stormtroopers in their full armor are still pretty terrifying. However, when Han and Chewie finally get back to his family, they have to give a Stormtrooper the slip. How do they do that? Well, they do a little shimmy to misdirect them, causing it to trip over a log, over a railing, and to his doom on the forest floor. Han might as well have said, “Hey, look over there!” and then shoved him.
Get A Room, Chewbacca
If you thought Saun Dann’s affection towards Malla was gross, you haven’t seen two Wookiees kiss each other. I understand that they haven’t seen each other in a while, and they’re relieved to finally be together, but seeing two Wookiees kiss is pretty gross. Even worse is that, through obviously special effects restrictions of the masks, they literally just press their open muzzles against one another’s and just wiggle side to side. Gross, you two. Gross.
Bea Arthur Makes No Sense
It’s apparent that Mr. Drinks-Through-Head has feelings for Bea Arthur, and when he tries to express those feelings, they don’t make a lot of sense. After a long back and forth over thinking things and feeling things, Bea Arthur eventually responds with, “You’re, you’re kind and, and sweet and, and terribly attractive but, if, if you’re saying what I think you’re saying you felt you meant I thought you needed to hear then, I just have one thing to say. I did not.” Can we get a translation on that?
Goodnight, But Not Goodbye
After the Imperials announce a curfew that demands the Cantina be closed, Bea Arthur does her best to kick out all of the drunkards. It doesn’t work as well as she hoped, so she resorts to breaking out into song. If your immediate thought is, “Wait, Bea Arthur singing? That doesn’t sound enjoyable!” then you’re right. It’s weird and bizarre and surreal and terrifying. However, it’s absolutely worth watching, just to remember that this was sanctioned by George Lucas.
Get A Plastic Surgeon To Mos Eisley
Ah yes, the wretched hive of scum and villainy that showed off the diverse characters of Star Wars! The Mos Eisley cantina scene is easily one of the most memorable in the whole franchise, as it introduced us to Han, Chewie, Greedo, and tons of other background players. However, notice how I say “background” characters? That’s because some of the background extras had such terrible costumes, they really only looked okay in low light conditions. In The Star Wars Holiday Special, the budget for lighting was much higher, but when you’re shining bright lights on costumes used in a movie that was filmed a year ago and had seen their fair share of use, the masks are in wretched condition. I’m sure the costume designer didn’t care because it’s like like 40 years later some nerd would be nitpicky about it.
Strange Man Pours Drink In Head
Speaking of strange characters, could you believe a guy would come up to Bea Arthur the bartender, flirt with her a little bit while asking for a drink, only to pour that drink….in his head?! Talk about a weird galaxy full of peculiar people, this guy drinks out of his head. It’s unclear if he also eats through his head, or if any other bodily functions come from there, but hopefully he gets his own Rogue One-esque spinoff movie.
Imperials Prove Their Ruthlessness On Lumpy’s Toys
Imperials will stop at nothing to accomplish galactic domination, even if that means blowing up an entire planet. The execution of billions of innocents might seem like a bad enough deed to prove your true villainy but never has their nefarious activity been proven so strongly as when they messed up Lumpy’s room. One Stormtrooper just smashes all the stuff on his shelves, while another Imperial rips the head off Lumpy’s stuffed Bantha! To add insult to injury, another Imperial snidely tells Lumpy to go clean up his room, fully aware that his men were the ones to mess it up in the first place! Evil, truly evil.
Finally! A Character Watches A Video!
It’s about time! When Lumpy breaks out a communicating device, he realizes he’s just a silly Wookiee and doesn’t know what he’s doing, so he begins watching an instructional video on how to use it. The instructional features a robotic species who malfunctions and reacts with a stoic “Ow” when he pricks his finger, so this was probably intended to be comedic relief from how scary it was when Imperials messed with Lumpy’s room. Instead, it was just more footage of characters watching other characters on a video screen.
Malla Might Be Having An Affair With Saun Dann
During a conversation with Princess Leia, the princess expresses concern over how the Wookiee is holding up. When Leia asks if she’s alone, C-3PO translates Malla’s response as her being with a “friend.” His fingers can’t really do it, but Threepio might as well have put air quotes around “friend.” Then, when Saun Dann hops up on-screen to meet Leia, Threepio makes sure to point out to Leia that Malla is “expressing warmth” to the trader. I apologize for earlier making it seem like Saun Dann was taking advantage of Malla, as it now looks like those feeling might be mutual.
Jefferson Starship In A Box
If you were worried that the Star Wars Holiday Special didn’t feature enough characters sitting down and watching something, don’t worry! They’ve got you covered! When an Imperial squad comes to the Wookiees’ home in search of Chewbacca, Saun Dann distracts them by sitting one down and opening a magic box. What’s in the box, you ask? Why, a holographic performance by Jefferson Starship, of course! It’s about time we got to watch someone watch a musical performance!
Lumpy’s Cartoons
A few minutes after we see a character watching something for five minutes, we get to see another character watching something. To get Lumpy to chill out, Malla has him watch cartoon adventures of Han Solo, Luke Skywalker, and his dad. Wait, who made these cartoons? Is it normal for a kid to watch cartoons featuring his dad? Why is the animation trippy, Heavy Metal style animation? As if the mere concept of these cartoons isn’t weird enough, this sequence also gave us our first look at a soon to be iconic character…
Boba Fett Shows Up Riding A Dinoaur And Armed With A Tuning Fork
Sure, maybe it’s not a “dinosaur” by Star Wars standards, but we’ll call it one for all intents and purposes. For a character that gained infamy for being a badass in his capture of Han Solo, Mr. Fett sure did have a weird debut. Strangely, Boba Fett is actually one of the least bizarre things about the whole animated sequence, and he mostly acts like a double-crossing bounty hunter, but looking back, it’s peculiar seeing the enigmatic bounty hunter just hanging out and being pals with Luke Skywalker, even if it’s all just for pretend.
Far Too Friendly Shopkeeper
Saun Dann, who we saw earlier selling junk to an Imperial guard, made a special delivery to see some of his favorite Wookiees. Pretty normal, right? Well, before giving Malla what she ordered, he asks what an “old friend” gets, which means a kiss. This doesn’t really feel like an appropriate thing to ask of any friend, new or old, especially when they’re husband is out of town. He also professes how much he “loves to make a Wookiee happy,” so if we thought Luke Skywalker was hitting on Malla, who knows what we need to call this.
Mind Evaporator
When Saun Dann shows up with presents for Life Day, he gives Itchy a “Mind Evaporator,” which sounds like some sort of torture device. However, Saun gets Itchy settled in it and a wink wink, nudge nudge sort of way. Now we get to see watch Itchy is watching, which is Diahann Carroll telling Itchy to relax because they’re about to have a good time. She tells him she finds him adorable and admits, “I am your pleasure.” In other words, this is as close to pornography as the Star Wars universe has gotten, so combined with Saun wanting to kiss Malla, it’s an incredibly uncomfortable series of events.
Bantha Surprise
Sadly, no, this doesn’t mean that a Bantha comes randomly crashing through Chewbacca’s house to destroy everything in its path, rather, Malla continues the trend of characters watching stuff on video screens by tuning in to a cooking show starring Goramaanda (seen below mid-sneeze), played by Harvey Korman, to cook “Bantha surprise.” In 1978, Julia Child and her TV show The French Chef was the authority on cooking programs, which this sequence was a parody of. The host’s repetition of “stir, whip, stir, whip, whip whip stir” gets so grating that even Malla has to shut the TV off. The whole sequence is just incredibly grating and feels like a cheap opportunity to say “Bantha rump.”
Chewbacca’s House Is Carpeted
Firstly, can we talk for a second about how weird it is that the concept of “carpet” exists in Star Wars, made evident when Leia refers to Chewbacca as a “walking carpet”? Secondly, and I don’t want to sound rude to Chewbacca, but wouldn’t carpeting your house if you and your family are big, furry beasts who live in the woods sort of impractical? Most likely, mud will get stuck to your feet, which would clean up easier with hardwood floors. The family probably sheds, which would be much easier to sweep up than vacuum. Now looking back, we can see why Chewbacca was emotionally devastated when Leia called him that, because from the muted color, it doesn’t look like Chewbacca takes very good care of his carpet. Essentially, Leia’s insult now reads as “walking object that people walk all over, smells bad, and is covered in mud.” That’s mean, princess, even for you.
Dejarik Dancers
As mentioned previously, part of our introduction to Chewbacca’s family is seeing his son enjoy a Cirque de Soleil-esque performance on a Dejarik table featuring holograms. What’s less exciting for a viewer than watching holograms? Watching a Wookiee watch holograms. This is another sequence that goes on much longer than it should, and prepares the viewer for how often they’ll be watching characters watch something else.
Trading Post Wookiee Planet C
Speaking of watching characters watch something else, while waiting for her husband to come home, Mala hacks into a security camera in at a trading post where she sees a shopkeeper trying to sell her wares to an Imperial guard. One item is a “pocket aquarium,” which is a small box with a fish in it. This really irks the guard, who responds, “I hate fish.” Whoa, buddy, easy. We just found out they have fish in Star Wars, and you hate them? Bold claim to make. The shopkeeper apologizes, saying he wants to show off some of the “stupid stuff those Wookiees purchase from me.” Hey, guy, take some pride in your shop, okay? Lastly, the shopkeeper tries to sell a grooming device that’s basically a Swiss army personal hygiene device, which really piques the guard’s interest, and he steals it and sticks it in his belt, before walking away. Those Imperials are truly ruthless! Look at him slink away with that groomer in his belt!
Deadbeat Dad Chewbacca
At this point in the Star Wars saga, we’d only seen Chewbacca in one film and didn’t know much about his personal life. However, learning that he has a family he regularly leaves behind (on Life Day, no less!) just to go fly around the galaxy having grand adventures with his buddy Han really changes your opinion of the Wookiee. This point gets hammered home with the amount of times Mala picks up Chewie’s photo and just stares at it longingly. We really hope they get some couple’s counseling after this ordeal.
Chewbacca’s Family
Before The Star Wars Holiday Special, audiences had no idea Chewbacca had a family, so what’s the best way to introduce them? Well, by putting them on-screen for over nine minutes and not giving the viewer any discernible dialogue whatsoever. Chewbacca is great because he’s always paired with someone who gets to respond to the fake dialogue he’s giving, but when you have threeWookieess interacting with one another and only given some body language to interpret what’s going on, it’s insufferable.
Han Solo’s Dialogue
It appears obvious that none of the film’s stars really wanted to participate in this special, based on their phoned-in performances, but Harrison Ford deserves some sort of medal for bravery for the lines he had to deliver without laughing. Han Solo had a way with words in the first film, so when he’s about to escape an Imperial blockade in the opening sequence of the Holiday Special and can only quip, “Here’s where we say goodbye to our pleasant friends,” you know you’re in trouble. Solo also goes on to use the phrase, “Out of the frying pan and into the fire,” the common expression in the world of Star Wars, and also questions, “Why do I always think that taking you home for Life Day is gonna be easy?” to imply there’s always some delay in transporting his friend Chewbacca home, yet never plans accordingly. Come on, Han, had you planned ahead you would’ve saved yourself some parsecs!
Luke Skywalker’s Everything
Han’s dialogue is pretty rough, but not nearly as rough as virtually everything going on in a scene with Luke Skywalker. Firstly, it’s obvious that Mark Hamill is wearing no less than 15 pounds of makeup. Secondly, he’s supposed to be working on an engine in a space garage, which is just a piece of equipment that isn’t hooked up to anything but is just suspended from the ceiling, and every time Luke turns his back, the thing starts smoking. How awful of a mechanic are you that just a piece of untouched metal regularly starts smoking? And lastly, when Luke realizes how sad Mala is that Chewie isn’t home yet, he seductively says, “Come on Mala, let’s see a little smile.” Luke, listen, Mala is having a hard enough time without her husband being there on Life Day, but could you maybe not hit on her in his absence?
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