Archie Teaches Kids About Gold Digging

Sure they killed Superman and brought him back. They even married Spider-Man and then undid it. But the one thing, many thought they would never see a comic book publisher do is have Archie Andrews actually make a decision between Veronica and Betty. Why would any guy with two women ever pick just one of them? The highly controversial Archie #600 has some angry fans (well, at least one) selling off their Archie comics in protest. Is Archie #600 the beginning of the downfall of comic books? After acquiring and reading this pivotal, earth-shattering comic book, I realized that the comic actually contains valuable and insightful advice for America’s economically-challenged youth. Here is my take on what exactly goes down in Archie #600. After college graduation, like many in this wretched economy, Archie Andrews finds himself with no money and no prospects for a job. With a degree in history, Archie knows that he probably won’t even be qualified to get a job flipping burgers with his best pal Jughead. Archie’s dad offers him little support, chiding him about not majoring in business, and cruelly pointing out, “Not a big job market these days for people who can recite Lincoln’s Gettysburg address by heart.” However, Archie gets his sweet revenge, as he does like many new college graduates, and he moves in with his parents. Archie’s terrified parents have no choice but to present Archie with a rather large check in hopes that he will use the money to find a place of his own. However, as Archie’s eyes light up with dollar signs, an idea quickly springs into his mind of how he can take his parents’ generous check and turn it into millions. Instead of investing the money in the stock market or buying a nice interview suit, Archie goes out and buys a big diamond ring. While one might think that high-end luxury goods aren’t a good investment in a recession, Archie utilizes his newly acquired asset to propose to Veronica Lodge, the daughter of the richest man in town. When presented with the option of having his daughter marry a man with no job, income, house, health plan, or savings account, Mr. Lodge has no choice but to offer Archie a cushy job working for one of his companies. As the boss’ son-in-law, Archie will enjoy a lifelong career, where he can never be fired no matter how incompetent he is. After hearing the news, Archie’s elated father cried tears of joy and declares, “Well, I call it an investment. A good investment in your future, Sonny Boy.” The lesson learned is that America’s youth that are disheartened by today’s tough job market should take heed of Archie’s good investment in his future. There’s no shame in being a gold digger in tough times. If you haven’t picked up a copy of Archie #600, then I encourage you to do so. Not only does the comic mark a milestone in comic book history, it’s actually a pretty good read. Archie #600 hit comic book stores this past Wednesday and is scheduled to arrive on newsstands on September 1, 2009.

0comments