In Blackest Friday: Five Aptly Named Superheroes Who Could Survive Black Friday

Today is Black Friday, the traditional start of the holiday shopping season when millions of shoppers descend on stores to take advantage of special sales and severely discounted big name aisles.Although many stores start their Black Friday deals the night before to help alleviate long lines, it still feels like you need superpowers of some sort if you want to survive the harrowing crowds and cutthroat shopping that accompanies this darkly named day.And since many superheroes have names that start with Black (like Black Bolt or Black Mamba), that got us thinking about what comic characters would best handle a trip to the mall on Black Friday.

So in honor of Black Friday, here’s five characters (all of whom have “Black” in their name) who could take on the crowds and leave Black Friday with one heck of a deal:

Black Panther

The undisputed star of this week’s Captain America: Civil War teaser trailer, Black Panther has all the necessary tools needed to thrive Black Friday.  With enhanced agility, Black Panther would easily jump over pesky shoppers or nimbly leap from shelf to shelf to circumnavigate the crowds all together.  And since he’s a tactical genius, Black Panther would know which stores would have the smallest crowds to maximize his shopping experience with the minimum amount of fuss.  Of course, since he’s the King of Wakanda, T’Challa would probably just send one of his “people” to do all his Black Friday shopping for him since he’s got more important things to deal with….like running a country.  

Black Canary

With a tough as nails attitude and a proficiency at martial arts, Black Canary could handle a rowdy Black Friday crowd, even if things turned ugly.  We’re not sure why Black Canary would be out on Black Friday since she’s currently on tour with her band, but you wouldn’t want to toss an elbow at Black Canary while trying to grab the last doorbuster or big ticket item at Best Buy.  And if a riot did break out on Black Friday (and sadly that’s a thing), Black Canary would quickly (and forcefully) calms things down with a well placed Canary Cry.  After all, what’s Black Friday without a little bit of screaming?

Black Cat

If the Black Cat decides to go Christmas shopping on Black Friday, some poor store is going to discover a few expensive items missing by the time she leaves.  A master cat thief, Black Cat would just slip into a store before it opened to take a “five fingered discount” on whatever she wanted.  And if Black Cat wanted to wade through the crowds on Black Friday, her fellow shoppers would best be wary.  Folks who try to steal a deal under her nose would probably wind up with an unexpected dose of bad luck, courtesy of Black Cat’s occasional “bad luck” powers. 

Black Widow

Marvel’s top superspy probably does all her Christmas shopping online, but her spy skills would come in handy if she needed to navigate the crowds on Black Friday.  With a keen tactical mind and an innate understanding of psychology, Black Widow could quickly assess a Black Friday shopping situation and figure out the smoothest way to get the deal she wanted.  Whether it’s climbing through the ductwork to bypass the crowds or manipulating the manager into just getting the item she wants from the back, I’m sure all the years of spy training would come in handy on the busiest shopping day of the year.  Plus, she’s a world class athlete, which is a necessity for going to the mall on Black Friday.

Black Hand

Some folks have unfavorably compared the crowds on Black Friday to a zombie horde looking for fresh meat, but if the DC villain Black Hand was involved, things could quickly turn into a real “Dawn of the Dead” type scenario.  Blank Hand and his Black Lantern Corps feed on heightened emotions, meaning that any store on Black Friday would be a veritable smorgasboard for the zombified gang of baddies.  Black Hand can also suck the life force out of anyone he comes in contact with, so he’d probably kill anyone who crosses him while he’s looking for a good deal.  Mind you, we’re not sure why Black Hand would need Black Friday in the first place.  Maybe Walmart has a good deal on coffins?