Superheroes New Year’s Resolutions

A new year means making a few New Year’s Resolutions. Although most people dump their new year’s resolutions after a few weeks of halfhearted effort, we feel that New Year’s Resolutions are still a great way for self-reflection and possible self-improvement.

In the spirit of the season, we’ve singled out a few of our favorite superheroes and suggested some New Year’s Resolutions that they might want to adopt. We’re not suggesting anything groundbreaking, but we think that 2017 will be even better if these heroes take our advice.

Iron Man

New Year’s Resolution: Make new friends.

Iron Man had a rough 2016, given that he spent much of the year fighting with his friends in both the comics and the movies. A new year brings new opportunity, including a chance for Tony to dump some of his toxic friendships and replace them with someone a little more meaningful.

Instead of spending his time with someone who keeps secrets (Captain America) or uses Inhumans to unlawfully prosecute people (Captain Marvel), Iron Man should find some better heroes to hang out with. That Spider-Man fellow seems like a nice kid, and Rhodey is at least alive in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Hopefully, finding some new friends will bring Iron Man some happiness in the new year.

 

Batman

New Year’s Resolution: Be a team player. 

For someone who acts like the ultimate loner, Batman sure does spend a lot of his time on superhero teams. Whether it’s mobilizing a cadre of superheroes in Gotham City or forming new versions of the Justice League every few months, Batman spends more time recruiting heroes than he does cleaning the streets of Gotham.

As he’s forming both the Justice League of America (in the comics) and the Justice League (in the movies) in 2017, Batman needs to make being a team player a priority next year. Brooding might be an effective way to win over comic book fans, but it’s not going to inspire much teambuilding. 2017 could be a big year for Batman’s Justice Leagues, but only if he remembers that there’s no “I” in team.

 

Wonder Woman

New Year’s Resolution: Don’t dwell on the past. 

Wonder Woman is poised to have a big 2017, but it seems like a lot of her storylines are about her past rather than her present day. DC published a ton of Wonder Woman origin stories last year, presumably because next summer’s Wonder Woman movie will show her first excursion into man’s world on the big screen. Even the main Wonder Woman comic series has delved into the past, diving into “everything you know is a lie” territory that every superhero experiences at least once during their career.

Wonder Woman has a great origin story, but there’s much more to her character than her past. Her indomitable will, strength, and courage are just as impressive in the present day as they were during World War I, so let’s hope we see a Wonder Woman focused on the present instead of dwelling in the past. 

 

Wolverine

New Year’s Resolution: Don’t die.

Logan’s not a spring chicken anymore, either in the comics or in X-Men movie universe. The “main” Wolverine died back in 2015, but he was replaced by a time-displaced “Old Man Logan” from an alternate universe that no longer exists. Meanwhile, we’ll see Hugh Jackman’s final performance as Wolverine in next spring’s Logan, as he attempts to save the movie version of X-23 from the Reavers.

2016 had so much death, so all we want from Wolverine is to see him live through the year. Sure, his healing factor’s a bit tired, and he’s got some grey in his hair, but he deserves a quiet retirement instead of a painful death. Wolverine’s always had a bit of a suicide wish, but he can inspire so many more mutants and humans by not going out in a blaze of glory. 

 

Spider-Man

New Year’s Resolution: Be funny. 

Next summer’s Spider-Man: Homecoming marks the third time Sony has tried a big-screen Spider-Man franchise in the last 15 years. That’s a lot of missed opportunities and restarts for a superhero that shouldn’t be that hard to get right. A large part of the reason why the Spider-Man and Amazing Spider-Man franchises didn’t resonate with fans is that they could find a balance between Spider-Man’s angst and his humor. 

For 2017, let’s hope that Spider-Man is a little less angsty and a little goofier. Yes, drama is a part of Spider-Man’s life, but he typically doesn’t cope with it with dance numbers or long, mopey monologues. Everyone knows that being a teenager is hard, so let’s hope Spider-Man: Homecoming balances that with a lot more jokes and fun moments. 

 

The Flash

New Year’s Resolution: Stop screwing with the timeline.

If you’re an avid watcher of The Flash, you’ve probably realized by now that Barry Allen has a problem. The dude just can’t stop messing with the past, which usually just causes more headaches in the present. Barry’s meddling with the time-space continuum finally caught up to him last year when he created the Flashpoint timeline and somehow unleashed Savitar and Dr. Alchemy on his friends. 

Barry needs to stop screwing with the past in 2017. He needs an intervention or something, preferably before he accidentally stops one of his friends from ever being born. Jay Garrick should follow him with a rolled up newspaper and smack him on the head whenever he twitches, just to remind him that MESSING WITH THE TIMELINE IS A BAD IDEA. 

Just don’t do it, Barry.

 

Supergirl

New Year’s Resolution: Find better love interests.

First and foremost, I should be clear that Supergirl doesn’t need a love interest. She’s a great character that’s not defined by who she dates, and hopefully her love life remains a tertiary priority for her show for the forseeable future.

BUT, if Supergirl does decided to dip her toe into the dating field, let’s hope 2017 brings her a more interesting set of romantic partners. National City is a big city, but she only seems to find guys with the personality of a wooden board. Jimmy Olsen might be nice to look at, but he’s mindnumbingly boring. Winn had all the charisma of a puppy dog trying master potty training, and I’m not sure that Cat Grant’s son (played by Melissa Benoist’s soon to be ex-husband Blake Jenner) wasn’t actually an emotionless robot in disguise. Mon-El at least has something that resembles a personality, but even he’s not that interesting.

There’s a reason that Supergirl stayed single in 2016, and it’s that she can do so much better than her current options.