Labor Day: 7 Heroes That Are Probably Getting Drunk Today

Today is a Labor Day, which means, for many people at least, today is a day off from work to spend with friends and family. Many of those people frequently choose to spend that time around a grill and near a pool, enjoying the waning days of summer. And what better to wash down a freshly grilled hot dog or hamburger with than a nice, cold beer or other fine spirits?

While this is a great way to spend Labor Day, we’ve all got that one friend or uncle who doesn’t quite balance food and drink the way they should and ends up at least a little tipsy by the time the cookout is ready to wrap up.

We think this holds true for superheroes as well, be it in the Marvel Comics Universe, the DC Comics Universe, or beyond. Here are seven heroes that we expect are drinking at least a little bit past sobriety today.

Wolverine

You may think that a guy with a mutant healing factor like Wolverine’s couldn’t get drunk, but that’s not the case. That healing factor is constantly working overtime just to keep Wolverine’s own Adamantium skeleton from poisoning him. Wolverine can get drunk, it just takes a lot of alcohol and doesn’t usually last very long.

That just means that Wolverine will have to work extra hard to keep his buzz going on Labor Day. It is a tough job, but Wolverine has trained with Weapon X, Alpha Flight, the X-Men, and X-Force. We think he’s up to the task. And watching Wolverine shotgun a beer after puncturing the can with one of his Adamantium claws would be quite the sight to behold.

Thor

It may seem strange to think that Thor, the Asgardian God of Thunder, would even know of the existence of Labor Day, which is not just a holiday specific to Midgard, but in this instance is also specific to the United States.

For this to make sense, it is important to remember that Asgard was once was once relocated in Oklahoma, right next to the small city of Broxton. The Asgardians visited the city of Broxton and intermingled with the locals so much so that Broxton earned the nickname “Little Asgard.”

We’d like to think that a blue collar town like Broxton would have, at some point, informed Thor and the Asgardians of the local end of summer holiday of Labor Day and the rituals that go along with it.

Thor has never been a god that needs a particularly strong excuse to enjoy more than his fair share of mead. Given Thor’s fondness for Midgard, we’re betting he was quick to adopt the Labor Day tradition, even inviting his friendly rival Hercules over for a drinking contest. We’d hate to be the ones to have to clean up after that.

Jessica Jones

Jessica Jones really summed it up herself when she said, “It’s called Whiskey.”

Based on what we know about Jessica Jones from Marvel’s Jessica Jones Season 1 on Netflix, we’re pretty confident that she is drunk today. The real question is whether she even knows it’s Labor day or not.

We are speaking specifically of the Marvel Cinematic Universe version of Jessica Jones in this instance because she is in a very different place in her life than the Marvel Comics Universe version of Jessica Jones. The Marvel Comics Jessica Jones is married to Luke Cage and has a daughter, and at that point getting day drunk is irresponsible at the least and possibly even criminally negligent.

No, Marvel Comics Universe Jessica Jones is probably at a cookout with Luke, baby Danielle, and Iron Fist, enjoying a Heroes for Hire company cookout.

Jesse Custer

Just because Preacher‘s Jesse Custer is a preacher, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t know how to party. And Jesse has the right friends to do it in Tulip O’Hare and Cassidy.

As seen on multiple occasions in AMC’s Preacher Season 1, Jesse sometimes lets the alcohol get the better of him. Cassidy, being an immortal vampire, has little reason to concern himself with the negative effects of alcohol consumption, and so typically just eggs his friend on.

We wonder if Jesse’s ability to force people to do as he wants means that he can use Genesis to command himself to sober up, or if he can wish away a hangover. He did manage to send a kid to Hell just with his words, so we suppose it might work.

Gambit

Gambit is the consummate, self-described “lady’s man” and wouldn’t dare miss a Labor Day cookout if he knew there would be beautiful women there.

As usual, we imagine Gambit would try to work his Cajun charm on Rogue and, once she shoots him down (possibly with her fist), Gambit would then move on to the next member of the X-Men’s roster.

With each failure, Gambit would drink a little more, hoping to gain a little extra liquid courage, liquid confidence, and liquid charm. And he’d drink, and he’d drink, and he’d drink.

Next thing the X-Men know, they’re finding Gambit passed out on the floor of the Danger Room, and they’re likely to decide it’s best to let him sleep it off where he lay.

Armstrong

Armstrong is a character from the Valiant Comics universe and makes up one-half of Archer & Armstrong. Unlike his partner, who is a religious and moral creature, Armstrong is a libertine who loves beer, art, and women.

Armstrong is also considered to be evil incarnate by a cult calling themselves “The 1%.” The 1% is just as wealthy and elitist as their name implies, and Armstrong isn’t terribly fond of them either. We’d like to think that Armstrong would make a point of celebrating a blue collar holiday like Labor Day just as a means to spite the 1%.

Armstrong is also immortal, which means he has had a long time to build up a tolerance. Anyone inviting Armstrong to their Labor Day cookout should make sure to bring a few extra kegs of beer. 

Six Pack

This one is kind of all in the name, isn’t it? Six Pack is the leader of Section 8, and he didn’t get his name for his commitment to abdominal fitness.

Six Pack thinks he’s a real superhero, but mostly he’s just a drunk. His tall tales of heroic fight scenes always seem to occur when he’s in a drunken stupor.

This Labor Day, Six Pack probably think he fighting the entire Crime Syndicate of America to a standstill while waiting for backup from the Justice League.

In actually, he’s probably just going to be getting drunk out of his mind at Noonan’s bar. Someone should really keep an eye on this guy.