Almost to the extent of the core four boys, Chef was an integral element of South Park‘s first few seasons. He was there to support the boys in their endeavors, educate them about things they probably shouldn’t know about at their age, and sing life lessons that, far more often than not, just strayed off into a fantasy about making love to a woman he barely knows. It will always be sad that Isaac Hayes’ time with South Park ended in such a bitter way. This is especially true given how it’s arguable that it was even Hayes himself who quit the show as opposed to just being pulled out of it by a third party (via The Hollywood Reporter).
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But, with nine seasons under his belt (not included his role in Season 10’s debut episode, which re-used old vocal clips from Hayes), Hayes was nonetheless a long-term member of the South Park family. And, throughout those nine years, particularly towards the beginning, he gifted the fans with quite a few great songs that only he could have done.
7. “Im Gonna Make Love to You, Woman” from “Cartman Gets an Anal Probe” (Season 1, Episode 1)
“I’m Gonna Make Love to You, Woman” is Chef’s most iconic song for a few reasons. One, it was first. Two, other versions of it popped up down the line. And, frankly, the other versions of it that popped up down the line were more elaborate and funnier. But respect must be shown to the song that established Chef’s particular brand of guidance. One of the things early in South Park‘s run that helped firmly ingrain it in the pop-culture world was Chef’s sing-songy mentorship, and this is the song that started it all. Plus, let’s be honest, there’s something inherently hilarious about a grown man working in a public school singing to children about his sex life…as long as it’s in a cartoon.
“I’m gonna make love to you, woman, gonna lay you down by the fire! And caress your womanly body, make ya moan and perspire. Gonna get those juices flowin’. We makin’ love baby, love baby, love, love, love, love, love, baby!”
6. “Love Gravy” from “An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig” (Season 1, Episode 5)
An underrated early winner from South Park, “An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig” has everything from references to the maligned 1996 film The Island of Dr. Moreau to a mutant clone of little Stan Marsh. There’s also a cameo from Elton John. Well, not actual Elton John, but rather an impression by Trey Parker that’s so good it truly did make people think it was John back in the day (the beloved singer did appear as himself one season later in “Chef Aid”).
The lyrics are as follows, “Tonight is alright for love, you know I want to touch you where the lights don’t go. Tonight is alright for love, love gravy. Expressing love so sweet. I want to keep you burnin’ like a dog in heat. Tonight is alright for love, love graaavaaay. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Elton John!” [Enter Trey Parker as Elton John] Oooo tonight. Oooo it’s all right. Oooo tonight is right for love, love gravy. [Re-enter Chef] Thank you, Elton. Tonight is right for love, love graaavaaay.”
5. “Make Love, Even When I’m Dead” from “Pinkeye” (Season 1, Episode 7)
Featuring not just one but several of Kenny’s best deaths and a fun The Return of the Living Dead-referencing plot and some character building for Cartman, “Pinkeye” is almost certainly the best episode of Season 1. It also features an equally iconic take on his song from the pilot episode. It’s not the only time Chef revisited “I’m Gonna Make Love to You, Woman,” e.g. “Christmas Lovin’” in “Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo” (“I just can’t wait to jingle your bells and falala your laaa!”). But, with a killer Michael Jackson yell, it’s the best of the bunch.
“I’m gonna make love, even when I’m dead. My body might get cold, but it’s always hot in my bed. Make love, don’t you be afraid; Just because my heart ain’t beatin’, it don’t mean you won’t get laid.”
4. “We’re All Special” from “Damien” (Season 1, Episode 10)
Chef’s songs were at their best when they started on one path and derailed entirely into recollections or fantasies about his love life. If there’s a definitive example of how funny this can be, look no further than “We’re All Special” from Season 1’s “Damien.” When the boys complain to him about the bizarre nature of the new kid (who just so happens to be the son of the Devil), Chef immediately assumes they’re wrong to judge their new peer. He sings them a song about accepting those around you, even if they’re different from you. It’s a great message, but it’s derailed by two things. First there’s his imagining his intimacy with two different women and, second, is his realization that the new boy is sending things flying all over his cafeteria with nothing more than his mind and anger.
“We’re all special in our own way. Everybody’s different, but that’s okay! ‘Cause even though we might-a have different-colored skin, different points of view, be tall or thin, it doesn’t mean I can’t lay you down, woman, and touch your silky skin. With my love deep inside you, where no man has ever been. Rub your legs, caress your things and, uh… What were we talking about again?”
3. “No Substitute” from “Tom’s Rhinoplasty” (Season 1, Episode 11)
Most of the early South Park episodes focus on Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny. But “Tom’s Rhinoplasty” is almost all about Wendy Testaburger. Mr. Garrison is off vainly trying to improve his physical appearance, which means the class needs a substitute teacher. Enter Ms. Ellen, portrayed by Natasha Henstridge (credited as “The Chick from Species“). The boys (including Stan, much to Wendy’s dismay) all fall in love with her, failing to realize that, one, she’s a bit far out of their age range for dating to be appropriate and, two, she’s a lesbian. This is something Chef finds out eventually, too. But, first, he hears from the boys about how beautiful she is and makes his move with this hilarious song. There are a few highlights, from the way he stretches out the word “Car” to his higher-pitched refrains of the words “No substitute.”
“Nobody could take your place. No way they could match your face. No, you got it going on in a way so clear. I just wanna buy you a beer. Or maybe tonight at seven thirty or something I could er… come and er… pick you up in my caaar (No substitute) No substitute for you (No substitute) No baby there’s (No substitute) for you girl (No substitute) for you now. You know that it’s true (No substitute) There’s just no substitute for you.
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2. “Simultaneous” from “Summer Sucks” (Season 2, Episode 9)
“Summer Sucks” involves a giant firework snake obliterating the town and, for the most part, Chef is nowhere to be found. It’s because he’s on vacation, which is revealed when Stan calls him up for advice on what to do. But Chef’s on the beach, surrounded by women, and while he doesn’t “usually do this,” he’s too occupied and says, “fudge ya.” Bookending his brief conversation with Stan is this song.
There’s another, longer version of this song on Chef Aid: The South Park Album. However, what follows are the lyrics as they were heard in the episode: “Baby you know you’re the girl for me. And all that I want to be is…You and me! And her! Simultaneous! You, and me, and you and you, simultaneous loving baby, two or three! Simultaneous! Ooh, that’s right!”
1. “Chocolate Salty Balls (P.S. I Love You)” from “Chef’s Chocolate Salty Balls” (Season 2, Episode 9)
“Chef’s Chocolate Salty Balls” is one of the more iconic entries of Season 2. The title alone caught on back in the day. It’s an episode that turns Robert Redford into a believable villain and continue the early seasons’ streak of having unusual circumstances tear the town of South Park apart (which was one of the keys of the early days’ charm). It even manages to take what could have been a one-off character, Mr. Hankey, and find further use for him. But, even if he’s not the true center of the narrative, this episode is Chef’s. Hearing him belt out a tune inadvertently equating a chocolate ball to his, well, anatomy, is so perfectly early South Park.
“Chef’s Chocolate Salty Balls” is another song where there’s a longer version of the song that was made available on Chef Aid: The South Park Album, but here are the lyrics as heard in the episode: “Say everybody have you seen my balls they’re big and salty and brown. If you ever need a quick pick me up, just stick my balls in your mouth. OOH! Suck on my chocolate salty balls (Put ’em in your mouth) Put ’em in your mouth and suck ’em and suck ’em!
