The only qualification for inclusion was that the character could have only been in a single episode. Given how long South Park has been running, it’s important to specify just what being a one-off character means. In short, it means they only had a speaking part in one episode. If they spoke in one episode and then appeared as a background character in other episodes (e.g., Bridon Gueermo and his parents from Season 12’s “Elementary School Musical”), that still counts as being a one-off character. That means Nurse Gollum, who spoke in both “Conjoined Fetus Lady” and “Roger Ebert Should Lay Off the Fatty Foods,” was excluded.
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That said, Nurse Gollum (not to mention Starvin’ Marvin) should come back. Like Dr. Mephisto, she was a perfect addition to the classic South Park roster. The only other excluding factor was a celebrity character. Not so much a character played by a celebrity (you’ll find one of those here), but a South Park representation of a celebrity. Apologies, Jeff from Season 7’s “Cancelled.” Anyway, without further ado, here are the one-off South Park characters who need to come back.
Damien from “Damien” (Season 1, Episode 10)
“Damien” may not be in the top five episodes of Season 1, but it’s still pretty fun. Its title character, Damien Thorn of The Omen fame, is also quite a bit more than one might expect. He’s actually a pretty nice kid, just looking for acceptance.
Damien gets a full arc in his Season 1 episode and even returns to Hell, so it makes some sense that he never came back. That is, right up until one realizes that Satan debuted in “Damien” and he’s come back any number of times. The closest Damien has come is a few background appearances (e.g. in “Gnomes,” “Professor Chaos,” “Smug Alert!,” and “ManBearPig”) and a speaking role in the game South Park: The Stick of Truth.
The Book Mobile Driver from “Chickenlover” (Season 2, Episode 4)
Sure, once it’s revealed the Book Mobile driver is actually the Chickenlover, Officer Barbrady gives him a few good cracks on the head with his nightstick. And, sure, he’s seen laying on the ground bleeding out. But he did, in fact, survive.
The only other times the Book Mobile driver has been seen are in a newspaper article in South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut and as a background character in the South Park Police Station in “Toilet Paper.” It’s a shame because, like many other early season characters, he had his charm (not including his proclivity for making love to chickens, of course). Who says he couldn’t again attempt to get the boys hooked on “the magic of reading?”
Parallel Universe Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny from “Spookyfish” (Season 2, Episode 15)
The parallel universe versions of Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny from “Spookyfish” are just one element that makes the Season 2 episode such a winner. Stan’s A-plot is fantastic, Sharon Marsh’s attempts to cover for Stan are increasingly hilarious, and the pet store owner’s explanation of why he built his shop on a Native American burial ground is one of the best jokes of the season.
Even still, the best part of “Spookyfish” is the “evil” Eric Cartman. It’s so jarring to see a Cartman who isn’t an awful little monster, and it would have been nice to see him again, if only for him to sing the “You Guys Are My Best Friends” song once more. Perhaps even the core four boys could go to the parallel universe and see what that’s like.
Miss Stevens from “Rainforest Shmainforest” (Season 3, Episode 1)
Arguably the biggest guest star South Park ever got, Jennifer Aniston’s presence in the Season 3 opener, “Rainforest Shmainforest,” helps elevate what is otherwise a fairly middling episode. It’s so clear that Aniston is relishing the opportunity to break away from her network television gig on Friends and drop a few F-bombs.
And, now that those F-bombs wouldn’t be bleeped thanks to streaming, why not have her come back in, say, a Paramount+ special? The only location the former activist wouldn’t be is in the Rainforest, begging the question of just what she’s up to these days. Maybe she’s started a new choir to sing about how dumb (in South Park‘s opinion) other narcissistic, ego-inflating causes are.
Sexual Harassment Panda from “Sexual Harassment Panda” (Season 3, Episode 6)
Another very temporary fixture of early South Park, the educational mascot Sexual Harassment Panda, is one of the goofiest characters to date. He’s just such a random figure, one that seemingly exists without a purpose. Even when it comes to educating young people about sexual harassment, he’s awful at it.
He only truly finds purpose in the final moments when he becomes Peetie the Don’t Sue People Panda. But that’s only after he’s gone to the Island of Misfit Mascots. Speaking of that location, Jimmy the Don’t Hold Onto a Large Magnet While Someone Else Uses a Fan Nearby Falcon needs to come back too. His message is just too important to relegate to a single episode.
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The Chinpokomon from “Chinpokomon” (Season 3, Episode 11)
Fine, this one’s a bit of a cheat since the Chinpokomon don’t even speak in their eponymous episode, but the fact remains that the Chinpokomon should come back. Chu-Chu Nezumi, Donkeytron, Fatdactyl, Ferasnarf, Furrycat, the Pikachu-like Lambtron, Monkay, Pengin, Pterdaken, Roo-stor, and, of course, Shoe, are all so perfect.
There have been references to the characters here and there, primarily in the video games South Park: The Fractured But Whole and South Park: Snow Day! but for the most part, these little pocket monsters were nowhere to be seen after their Season 3 episode. Even still, for those who played those aforementioned games, they did get to see Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s newest additions to the Chinpoko-line-up, including the cat/snake hybrid Sna-kat, the roided-out rat Roidrat, and the Justin Bieber-reminiscent Biebersaurus.
Mark Cotswolds from “Hooked on Monkey Fonics” (Season 3, Episode 12)
Mark and Rebecca Cotswolds should have come back not so much because they were great characters, but more because their debut episode definitively set them up as new additions to the South Park Elementary school class. Instead, they never spoke again, though Mark was seen in “Professor Chaos,” “The Death Camp of Tolerance,” “Raisins,” “Wing,” “Smug Alert!,” and the first part of the “Imaginationland” trilogy.
The reason Mark is the only Cotswolds sibling listed in the heading is that Rebecca was the final character to be voiced by Mary Kay Bergman, who took her own life shortly after the episode aired. Rebecca was so uniquely voiced that it wouldn’t make sense to recast, nor would it be particularly respectful to Bergman’s memory to bring the character back.
BSM-471 from “Trapper Keeper” (Season 4, Episode 12)
BSM-471 (using the codename Bill Cosby) is a cyborg from the future sent to the modern day to stop Cartman’s Trapper-keeper before it takes over the world. He’s also a pretty terrific reference to The Terminator.
BSM-471 is a true one-off character. He’s never so much as shown his face again. Odd, considering there have been a number of truly bizarre events in the town of South Park that could have used his interference.
Tad Mikowski & Thumper from “Asspen” (Season 6, Episode 2)
In just a single episode, both Tad Mikowski and Thumper the ski instructor became iconic South Park characters. It figures because Season 6’s “Asspen” is an iconic episode. From the numerous (and eventually successful) attempts by the two agents to sell the boys’ parents a timeshare to Ike’s disastrous descent down the mountain, it all works.
It’s that former point that was an in for Tad and Thumper to come back. Sure, South Park wasn’t bound to continuity at that point in the series’ run, but the parents did buy a timeshare, so why couldn’t they have all come back to “Have a good time” and hear Tad belt out another “Stan Darsh” song? That said, both characters were seen in Season Twenty-Two’s “Buddha Box,” with Buddha Boxes on their heads.
Miss Claridge from “Pre-School” (Season 8, Episode 10)
“Pre-School” is an underrated episode of South Park, but it’s also a dark one. Poor Miss Claridge is just a pre-school teacher who is trying to put out a fire set by Trent Boyett, which the core four boys claim they can put out (with their urine). In the process, she is consumed by flame, has the boys urinate on her to try and put her in the fire, and is ultimately left in a full-body electric wheelchair. To speak, there’s one beep to represent “Yes” and two beeps to represent “No.”
It’s not the only suffering Miss Claridge experiences during the episode, for instance, in the final moments when her electric wheelchair is supercharged by a taser gun. It’s all so grimly funny that one just wonders what else Parker and Stone could think up for her. The closest they’ve come to having her reappear is in “The Death of Eric Cartman,” where the title character gives her a gift basket as an apology.
