Superman Almost Married His Actual Cousin (And It’s As Weird As You Think)

Yes, the title is right. No, it isn’t clickbait, and it doesn’t involve any alternate reality shenanigans. Superman once almost married his actual cousin Supergirl, Kara Zor-El. After covering the time Superman really married Supergirl, not his cousin, it only felt right to cover the time it almost happened with the most famous of the Supergirls, no matter how strange the story is. What makes this gross situation even more absurd, however, is that it was penned by Superman co-creator Jerry Siegel himself, way back in Action Comics #289. It is important to establish this up front, but this story came out in June of 1962. There were very different standards at the time for this sort of thing, so it’s best to look at it from a perspective of it being a product of its time. That doesn’t make it any less weird, not at all, but it is an explanation.

All that said, let’s dive into the actual story of how the worst comics wedding almost happened which is, rather unfortunately, really funny. It begins with Supergirl crying at the end of a tragic romance movie, where a man waited too long to propose to the woman he loved and lost the chance. The Woman of Steel fears that the bachelor Superman will befall the same fate, since he doesn’t seem keen on proposing to either Lois Lane or Lana Lang anytime soon. To remedy this, against the advice of her adoptive parents, Kara decides to find a woman that Superman won’t be able to resist.

The Mission for the Super Wife

First, Supergirl looks to Earth’s history books for a matching candidate. She settles on Helen of Troy, the famed most beautiful woman in history. She travels to the past through the Fortress of Solitude’s Time-Barrier (because it was the Golden Age and they could do whatever they wanted) after leaving a note for Superman to follow her. Supergirl finds Helen in a coliseum watching a gladiator match, and hypes Superman up as the strongest mortal of all who can win her affection. When Superman does arrive, he’s attacked by a hoard of warriors intent on proving they deserve Helen more than him. When the gladiators break all their weapons, they unleash a minotaur and unicorn on him, who run amok until Supergirl stops them. She winds up accidentally stealing all the glory for herself, and the two are chased out of Troy by a very jealous Helen.

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With that plan foiled, Supergirl decides to try the future. She takes Superman to the 31st Century, intent on hooking him up with the grown-up version of his Legion of Superheroes buddy, Saturn Girl. They arrive in the middle of a Christmas party, and Kara makes sure to get the would-be couple under the mistletoe not once, but twice. It seems like both really enjoy the kisses, to be honest. Of course, after the second kiss, Saturn Girl’s husband Lightning Lad gets pretty mad, so Superman and Supergirl book it out of that awkward situation as fast as they can.

Back in the present, Supergirl admits to Superman what she’s been up to. Superman responds to her concerns that he will never get married, because his first duty will always be to protect the earth, and that doesn’t leave him time for a marriage. And if he ever does get married, he hopes that it would be to someone like her. Except they can’t get married. Not because the idea of marrying his cousin, who need I remind you is a teenager at this point in time, offends him, but because marrying your cousin is illegal on Krypton. Yes, the only thing that stopped Superman from marrying his teenage cousin was that it would have been illegal on Krypton. You know, Krypton gets a pretty bad rep, but the fact that this stopped this awful idea in its tracks means they were doing something right. 

The Super Search Isn’t Over Yet

Oh no, the story doesn’t end on an almost cousin-marriage, that’d be too easy. After realizing that she would be the perfect wife for Superman if they weren’t related, Supergirl decides the best course of action is to find another version of her for him to marry. She uses the Super Computer Machine to screen every possibility of how Krypton and Earth are connected in their history to find an identical version of herself on another planet that is a duplicate in looks and powers, but all grown up (because it was the Golden Age and they could do whatever they wanted). 

Superman sets out for the planet Staryl, where he finds the duplicate of Supergirl, the Superwoman Luma Lynai. They immediately fall in love and decide to move to earth to marry, but upon arriving, Luma loses her powers and falls ill. While her planet’s orange sun grants her powers like Superman’s, the earth’s yellow sun strips them away, and is even poisonous like Kryptonite to her. The two part in tears, knowing they can never be together. In the end, Superman doesn’t get married that day, and Supergirl learns to let Superman handle his own love life.

So there you have it. Not only did Superman admit the only thing that stopped him from marrying his cousin was a Kryptonian law, and not only did he immediately fall in love with a version of her that is exactly the same except for being older and not related to him, but he also apparently is incapable of wanting to marry a woman whose initials aren’t L.L. In the end, I think we can all agree that this is one Superman story better off written out of the history books, no matter how darned funny it is.

But do you think you know any weirder Superman stories? Comment them below!