WWE: Wrestling Our Way Through The NFL Playoffs

There are still three weeks left until the 2017 Royal Rumble, but why let that stop you from getting in your wrestling fix this weekend during the NFL playoffs? One year ago, Uproxx cartoonist David Rappoccio brilliantly reimagined all 32 NFL logos as professional wrestlers. Using his illustrations, we have picked surefire winners for the opening round of the NFL playoffs based on the matchups between the logo superstars.

Is betting the house on NFL games based on a hypothetical match-ups between WWE superstars a good idea? Sure, why not?

Here are our picks. See how they line up with yours.

Green Bay vs New York

How Uproxx assigned the logos: 

Giants: This should be pretty obvious. The biggest man for the biggest city. Andre could have been legally forced to apply for building permit wherever he walked due to his size.

Green Bay: The Packers are a historically successful franchise with a goody-goody reputation and a long reign of prosperity. These things define Bob Backlund, a boring, Leave It to Beaver wrestler who wore a bow tie. Ignore the time when he came back as an old coot.

Our Prediction: 

The Packers have been on a hot streak ever since Aaron Rodgers guaranteed they would run the table and make the playoffs, and we all know Lambeau is an incredibly rough place to play in January. However, this is yet another year where the Patriots look dominant and the Giants have to go on the road to make it to the Super Bowl. I know how that script ends. 

Even in Backlund’s prime, he is no match for the 8th Wonder Of The World, and this version of Backlund appears to be the mid-90s version, possibly even creeping closer to the Darren Young managerial version. Green Bay is favored by 4.5, but I’ll take Andre and the Giants to win it on the road. 

 

Detroit vs Seattle

How Uproxx assigned the logos: 

Detroit: Wait, what? The Shockmaster? Why? This is why. Shockmaster’s debut was an infamous accident where he fell over trying to introduce himself. The Lions have one of the most infamous moments of failure in the NFL, too, going 0-16 in 2008. But wait, says you, the know-it-all wrestling fan, isn’t the Shockmaster portrayed by Fred Ottman, the same guy who played Tugboat and Typhoon? You used him already! You are right. We did. But there is a special bond between the Bucs and the Lions. They are the only two teams to ever go winless in a season.

Green Bay: Daniel Bryan is a gigantic Seahawks fan and he has the kind of beard that makes him look like a microbrewing hipster, just like half of Seattle.

Our Prediction: 

Only fitting that the Lions winning a roadplayoff  game in Seattle would be the most shocking outcome of the opening weekend. The Shockmaster has about as good of a chance at defeating Daniel Bryan as the Lions do the Seahawks. The Seahawks have never lost a playoff game at home, the Lions have never won any game there, and Detroit has not won a playoff game anywhere in its past eight tries.

Will Seattle cover the 8 point spread at home? Yes! Yes! Yes! 

Oakland vs Houston

How Uproxx assigned the logos: 

Oakland: If you stuck Sting in the Black Hole at an Oakland Raiders game, you wouldn’t even know he was a wrestler. He straight-up looks exactly like a Raiders fan. His long reign of popularity and success reminds us of the Raiders of old, before they turned into the west coast Browns.

Houston: Texas has a lot of options for wrestler representation, but it would be wrong to not have Stone Cold on this list, so here he is. If you don’t like it, well *gives you middle finger while chugging a beer*

Our Prediction: 

The most interesting thing about this game will be imagining Sting and Stone Cold Steve Austin battling it out on the 50 yard line. Much like Sting, Derek Carr is physically unable to go and Brock Osweiller is no Stone Cold Steve Austin. He’s Fake Razor Ramon at best.

Houston is favored by 3.5, and that seems about how much the spread would be on a Austin vs Sting in their prime match would be. So, I’ll take Stone Cold for the win. 

 

Miami vs Pittsburgh

How Uproxx assigned the logos: 

Miami: The Rock actually legitimately played football for the Miami Hurricanes. He won a National Championship there. Here he is getting a sack. There was no other choice.

Pittsburgh: Triple H is very successful and nobody likes him. 

Our Prediction:  

Like Triple H, I fully expect Pittsburgh and Big Ben to show their superior pedigree and book themselves, er, um, I mean play themselves into a victory. Is it getting a little old to see the same act from Pittsburgh? Yes, but like Triple H, you know they always have to be in the mix during the biggest event of the season. And like The Rock, I only expect Miami to show up for a portion of this match before heading back home. 

Miami misses on the People’s elbow and fails to cover the 10 point spread. Pittsburghhh moves on! 

 

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