Six Top Fictional Footballers

Now that the NFL football season is officially underway, every weekend from now to the end of November will be filled with the satisfying sounds of players crashing into each other for our amusement.

Although baseball is called the national pastime, football is by far the most popular sport in the United States and is an inseperable part of American culture.

Many famous fictional characters have played football too, either playing the game in school or just as a weekend neighborhood warrior.

We’ve picked out six of the best fictional footballers, all of whom are known for their exploits (or infamy) on the gridiron:

Superman

Clark Kent, Superman, and football have a complicated and fascinating relationship.

The Man of Steel went undercover as a football player in an early issue of Action Comics in order to take down a corrupt coach. In addition to Superman showing off his superhuman strength on the football field, the story also featured him stabbing an innocent football player in the neck with a syringe in order to drug him and take his place.

As a representative of “the American way”, Clark Kent also has a deep love of football and wanted to play in high school. In some continuities, Clark’s father trusted him enough to let him play despite the obvious risks (football’s not exactly fair when one of your players can benchpress small mountains), while in other continuities he forbid, causing a rare disagreement between father and adopted son. Given the strong relationship that Clark and Jonathan Kent have, it shows how important football is to Clark (and by extension American culture) that it could drive a wedge between the two.

Bullwinkle J Moose

Frostbite Falls’ most famous son was once a star-studded quarterback for Wossamatta University. The college (which traditionally fielded terrible football teams) recruited Bullwinkle as their new quarterback after watching the moose toss his flying squirrel with great accuracy.  Under Bullwinkle’s leadership, the school quickly turned its flagging football program around, scoring win after win thanks to his surprisingly accurate throwing arm.

Boris decided to exploit Bullwinkle’s football acumen to make some easy money, setting up a rigged game between Bullwinkle and the Wossamatta U. football team and a group of thugs and criminals disguised as girls. Boris bet the entirety of the Pottsylvanian treasury on the “girls” since they were heavy underdogs, knowing that they’d likely dismantle Bullwinkle. But, after a bunch of handwringing over facing a team of girls on the gridiron, Rocky and Bullwinkle got wise to Boris’s plan and eventually picked up the win.

Booster Gold

Football will still be around in the 25th century, at least in the DC Universe. Before he became the modern day superhero Booster Gold, Michael Carter was a star quarterback for Gotham University’s football team. Unfortunately, his promising career ended abruptly when his father convinced him to start throwing games to help pay off his gambling debts. Carter was kicked out of college and ended up working for a local museum as a custodian.

Wanting to relive his glory days, Carter stole a variety of superhero memorabilia and commandeered a time sphere to travel to the 20th century to become a celebrity superhero. As Booster Gold, Carter struggled to understand the true “definition” of superheroism, but he eventually used his football skills to save the multiverse by throwing Mister Mind into the timestream to prevent him from eating the multiverse. 

Forrest Gump

Forrest Gump is known for running, and that’s exactly how he earned a spot on the University of Alabama football team. Legendary coach Bear Bryant recruited Forrest after watching him run through a football field while fleeing from a pack of bullies. While Forrest wasn’t the brightest, he was faster than any receiver and could outrun even the speediest defender.

Forrest became a legendary kick returner for the Crimson Tide, zigging and zagging across the field and dodging defenders as he scored. Forrest earned All-American honors for his exploits on the field, although he chose to join the army after college instead of going pro. Forrest’s athletic skills later came in handy when he picked up ping pong after the Vietnam War, earning national honors and even playing in a US vs. China exhibition match.

Fred Flintstone

Fred Flintstone was possibly the first power running back in history, dominating the competition as a member of Bedrock High School’s prehistoric football team. Fred had a natural talent for blasting through defenders and he was surprisingly light on his feet, which comes as no surprise to anyone who’s watched him bowl.

Fred was built for playing football and some tried to convince him to pick up the pigskin in later years. While attending Prinstone University night classes, the college recruited Fred for the college team. Unfortunately, trying to juggle a full time job, accounting courses, and football left him exhausted, so he had to quit the team to focus on more important things.

Charlie Brown

Poor Charlie Brown. He’s probably the worst two sport athlete in his neighborhood, although much of his athletic tribulations are due to his subpar teammates. As the kicker for his neighborhood team, Charlie Brown is often paired up with Lucy Van Pelt as his holder. Unfortunately, show loves to pull the football at the last second, causing him to miss the kick and crash every time.

There are a couple famous variations of the infamous “football gag” in the Peanuts strip. In one storyline, Lucy promises a sick Charlie Brown that she’ll never pull the football away again if he gets better. When he does get better, Lucy sticks to her word, but Charlie Brown (probably due to a lack of practice) kicks and breaks her hand instead. In another instance, Lucy pulls the football away at a critical moment in a live game, and Charlie Brown somehow takes the blame.

Charles Schulz later re-wrote that scene after fans wrote into complain that even Charlie Brown’s bad luck wouldn’t extend so far that his friends would blame him for Lucy’s prank.

Charlie Brown has only had one successful football kick in his career…and that was when he was literally invisible.