Romeo Is a Dead Man’s first boss fight starts off by witnessing the titular protagonist’s romantic partner (who is fittingly named Juliet) chug a glass of wine and run her sharp nail across her throat before ripping her own head off and spiking it into the ground. Her corpse then grows to a titanic height before morphing into something more akin to a bloated, headless zombie. It’s certainly a memorable way to kick off this strange adventure, but a familiar terror begins to set in after that wild cutscene. It’s one that has poisoned Grasshopper Manufacture’s many action games and something that sinks this latest one: absolutely abysmal controls.
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Despite its oddball wrapping, Romeo Is a Dead Man is a fairly typical character action game. There are light and heavy attacks, monsters to summon that act like magic spells, a few guns to shoot, and a super slash that is dictated by a meter powered by blood. This setup is not unlike most other titles of its ilk, but Romeo Is a Dead Man manages to feel worse than most of them. It’s not hyperbole to state that just about every single action in Romeo Is a Dead Man feels awful.
Romeo Is a Dead Man’s Combat Is Terrible
Attacks often play out in their entirety as if animation canceling is not a fundamental aspect of the genre. Summoning zombies — lovingly called “Bastards — is slow and these undead biters often die before they can do anything or, better yet, fail to do their one job for some reason. Cultivating and upgrading these Bastards is frustrating because of the many slow menus players must trudge through every single time they want to upgrade, plant, extract, or discard any of these goons.
Dodging is slow and doesn’t always work as intended, a crucial flaw that makes the last boss one of the worst final fights in some time. Shooting is inaccurate and reloading is extremely slow, both of which are particularly noticeable when firing its terrible shotgun. Even climbing ladders is a chore because of how Romeo pauses for a second once he gets to the top, which is a small detail that can lead to some annoying deaths. It’s just representative of all the superfluous recovery frames stuffed into nearly every animation that make it feel anything but fluid.
All of these elements give the game such a flimsy mechanical backbone that only gets worse when considering its lackluster enemies. These beasts are not only hideously designed; they’re also terrible to fight against. A few of their attacks give remarkably poor visual feedback, and they’ll often bunch up and box the player in, tanking the frame rate in the process. Some levels — which are also insultingly basic — even shroud certain battlefields in darkness and make it tough to see all the bullsh-t going on.
Romeo Is a Dead Man Isn’t the Only Grasshopper Game With Bad Controls
It’s an understatement to say Romeo Is a Dead Man’s gameplay is a pain at every step. But it’s not a new pain. All four of the No More Heroes games and Killer Is Dead all have flashy combat but lack the mechanical smoothness that makes the apex entries in the genre so compelling. Even Lollipop Chainsaw, Grasshopper’s strongest melee action game, lacks the grace and complexity it deserves. They’re all sticky and slow in ways the finest in the genre just aren’t.
It’s hard to keep accepting mediocrity like this when Grasshopper has been doing it for this long and doubly so when placed within the context of all the excellent action games that have come out in the last few decades. Devil May Cry, Bayonetta, God of War, Furi, Lies of P, Sifu, and the Batman: Arkham series are just a small portion of somewhat related games that all demonstrate a smoothness Grasshopper’s action titles have never even remotely come close to having. The feel is all too important in this genre since it’s hard to fulfill the power fantasy inherent to it when the controls inhibit players at every turn.
There are usually other factors that make Grasshopper’s games worth playing. They often have oddball ideas, compelling characters, or unique worlds worth delving into. Romeo Is a Dead Man has some weird ideas like the player character being part of the time-travelling “Space Time” F.B.I., but they’re buried within a dated and shallow game with a cast that’s initially appealing yet lacks any true pizzazz.
Regardless of Romeo Is a Dead Man’s weaknesses in these areas, it’s just the latest one of the team’s games that deserves to be so much more. What if these titles had engaging systems that would be interesting even if detached from their bizarre universes? What if these action games felt satisfying to play? It would behoove Grasshopper to study its competition and get into the nitty gritty of why the best of the best are the best of the best. This doesn’t mean Grasshopper needs to assimilate or water down its output. It would just be a way for the team to up its craft, ascend to new heights, and give its games the responsive controls and deep mechanics their one-of-a-kind worlds deserve.
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